Can we recreate Breaking Bad?

Posted: May 2, 2012 in Housing

Date: Mon, 9 Apr 2012 21:53:07 +0100
Subject: Apartment Needed Reply Asap !!!
From: dr.gordonelvis01@yahoo.com
To: Jeff

Hello,

I come across your house for rent advertised on the internet and i am interested in renting it,please let me know if it is still available.I will be signing one year lease for this unit and will be staying with my wife and daughter,and will be willing to offer you 2 months rent plus the security deposit in order to secure this unit prior to our arrival.Could you be kind enough to let me know what the electricity/utility cost would be?as i will really need to have this unit to myself.You can send me the lease application,to enable be review it ahead of time.i would eventually have it signed physically when i arrive in person.

Please do get back to me in time because i will really appreciate a quick response.

Regards.
Dr.Gordon Elvis

—————————-

From: Jeff
Sent: Wednesday, April 11, 2012 2:56 PM
To: dr.gordonelvis01@yahoo.com
Subject: Re: Apartment Needed Reply Asap !!!

Hi,

Utilities usually cost about $300 a month. This varies greatly on whether or not I am trying to put all the fires out from all of the spontaneous combustion going on in my neighborhood. On those months it may be closer to $315.  As long as you’re willing to pay me for 2 months rent in advance, I’d be more than happy to move out of my house into one of the neighborhood shelters. That money should be enough to get me the rain protection to keep my books dry. I’m almost finished with, “The Secret Language of Wildebeests” and I’d really hate to have it get wet before I finish. Maybe I can get away from my husband for a few months thanks to you.

Please let me know if you’d like to come see the house or how you want to handle this transaction.

Thanks,
Jeff

—————————-

From: Dr.Gordon Elvis
Sent: Wednesday, April 11, 2012 4:45 PM
To: Jeff
Subject: Reply Asap !!!

Thanks for your mail,Yes i appreciate your wanting to help us in our situation.I am a chemist by profession and i am currently working with NORTH WICK PARK &ST.MARK’S HOSPITAL,17WATFORD ROAD,HARROW,MIDDLE SEX, LONDON . I will be in the states for the next one year with my wife and nine year old daughter and during my stay i will be working with the United States Environmental Protection Agency  on a private research work….We have a financier that is based in the states and he will be handling the rent deposit payment on our behalf,we will instruct him to send you the check for this as soon as you give us the go ahead to make payment to you.

Due to the limited time that we have before our arrival,we are making arrangements with a furniture company to supply the home with furniture,so we will need you to provide us with the measurements of the living room and bedroom so that we can send it to the furniture company so that they can supply the unit with furniture that will fit in well. As regards the lease agreement,i want you to send it to me for my review,i will eventually have it filled and signed on my arrival in your place as i am of the opinion that such documents are best filled and signed physically.We can start the lease by the 15th of April and we will be doing a one  year lease although we will not be arriving until Ending of April ..or even before then.You can prepare the lease in my name Dr.gordon Elvis and my wife’s name Mrs.Lynda Elvis.Please call my cell phone   +447xxxx20191  Let us know how to move ahead as we intend to complete this deal before we move in by the end of the month,we will let you know the exact date as soon as we get a booking on a flight to the states.

As regards the rent and deposit required to be paid by me in order to secure this rental prior to our arrival,i will need you to provide me with your full name in which the check will be issued and your complete physical contact address to which it will be sent to by my financier,as soon as you provide these,i will forward it to my financier with an instruction to issue and send you the check.Please i need you to also reconfirm the total move in costs,that is the rent and deposit to be paid..

I will look forward to your e mail with the required information.

Thank you,
Dr.Gordon Elvis

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From: Jeff
Sent: Tuesday, April 17, 2012 2:58 PM
To: Dr.Gordon Elvis
Subject: Re: Reply Asap !!!

Hello,

I’m sorry for the delay in returning your email. I was celebrating Festivus with my minions and mistresses and I completely forgot to reply. I really hope you haven’t found anywhere else to live since I was planning on your moving in.

Below is the lease agreement. I have copied the ad that you responded to and as you requested, the living room size is 20’x17’ – I hope this helps. Anyone who plans to live here will need to sign the bottom to acknowledge that they have received the terms and agree to them.

Jeff

———————

Contact: Jeff Dahmer
Address: 12229 Icup St, Miltonheadburg, NJ
Available: May 1, 2012
Lease: 1 year but can be expanded 1 month prior to its termination
Deposit: 1 month rent due at move in. Refundable if no damages are done. Also, it is not refundable.

********************************************
RULES YOU MUST FOLLOW
********************************************

- You must be older or younger than me. I don’t share birthdays. No one living in the house can have the same birthday

-Should there be a competition that ends in a tie, you must call me to find out who wins

-Whenever you eat a box of Lucky Charms, you must pull all of the yellow moon marshmallows out and put them in the downstairs closet. It’s for when the visitors come. I can’t tell you anymore.

-You will be required to read 3 pages of the phonebook each night. You will call one person who looks of interest and find out their birthday. If they share a birthday with either you or me, you must rip the page out of the phonebook and eat it.

-You do not talk about fight club

- If you choose to walk around naked, please put a paper towel under you before sitting on the leather couch (as to prevent the spread of disease).

-The only flavor of milkshake that can be made is chocolate. With peanut butter cups. And pretzels.

- Toilet paper must only be hung so that it unravels by spinning it from the top towards you. You will have 1 warning before you will lose bathroom privileges.

-If you have a cat, you must de-claw it. The only exception to this rule is if you train the cat to open the mail, using its claws like a letter opener.

-On Tuesdays and Thursdays, you may only drink clear liquids. You may not ask why.

-If you are going to cook, you may not use the following spices: dill, cumin, paprika, curry, salt, celery salt, garlic salt, sea salt or ginger

-On every Sunday of every week, you must vacate the house between 1:00pm and 5:00pm while I come over to do my crosswords.  I can’t have your mouth running while I’m concentrating.

-You must change your cellphone ringer once a month.  Texting will only be allowed from 8:00pm to 8:30pm and must be done outside.

-You must excel in Math.

-In the event of a fire, you must save the popcorn first. No one likes the smell of burnt popcorn

-If you make soup, you should leave the remaining soup in the refrigerator for 2-3 weeks. I’m sure no one else wants to use the pot anyway.

So, let’s cut to the chase.

Here’s what I’ve got:
- Two bedroom, three bathroom house with free permit parking for 2 cars. Your car must be orange or green.

- You’re getting WALLS and a CEILING. It blocks all the RAIN and WIND FOOL! Is this place HOT? You can bet your nomadic ass it is.

- 3 completely renovated bathrooms. Each one has a toilet in it: no need to take a dump in the shower!

- Completely renovated kitchen with granite and an island and every tool / appliance you could need. You can cook your crappy frozen meals in the oven OR in the microwave!

- Brand new carpet in bedrooms. I wanted to put some hardwood floors but I was like SCREW THAT. I don’t want your feet to be cold when you get out of bed at night.  Carpet. So soft. Transcends the walking barefoot experience.

- You get ELECTRICITY. POWER ALL YOUR APPLIANCES. No need for candles or firewood, because I got LIGHTS and HEAT.

- Hardwood on stairs and 1st floor. Don’t wear socks, you’ll slip and bust your tailbone.

- All community areas furnished but can be unfurnished – I don’t care what you do with the space

- Media room in basement so you can watch all your pr0n

- A 4-year old dog (A doggy door is built into the back door). The dog comes with the house.

- Decent sized porch in back with a small yard. Bring all the bitties back here and smoke cigars.

- Central AC / heat

Here’s what you’ll get:

- Your own bedroom with overhead fan and decently large closet with lots of hanging space. This room has DOORS so people don’t come up in your space, son. And it has WINDOWS so you can see outside and shit. WHATSUP NEIGHBORS! You ain’t bunk bedding out this mofo.

- Your own bathroom!! WTF!??! YAH! You can shower and take a crap without anyone being up in your business! I’m not bullshittin’ either…. I’m talking HOT WATER IN THE SHOWER.

- The ability to have a dog / cat as long as they are house broken and friendly with other animals. You must show a permit for wild animals. They’ll have to meet the dog that’s going to be at the house. I don’t need fights breaking out and all of you going to jail like Vick.

You must pay on the first of every month. You’ll have 5 days before a 15% fee will be added on. I will request that you attach a reference and proof of employment.

Signed,

———————————————————     ———————————-
Name: Dr. Gordon Elvis                                 Date

———————————————————     ———————————-
Name: Mrs. Dr. Gordon Elvis                          Date

———————————————————     ———————————-
Name: Ms. Baby Dr. Gordon Elvis                     Date

—————————-

From: Dr.Gordon Elvis
Sent: Tuesday, April 17, 2012 5:26 PM
To: Jeff
Subject: Re: Reply Asap !!!

Thanks for your email As regards my furniture, i am planning on having them delivered to the house before our arrival so that we can settle in comfortably, you can understand that transiting cross Atlantic  is not easy so we are making arrangement with the furniture company to deliver the furniture before our arrival after the rent and security deposit has been paid to you by my financier.We will ask you for a favor here,can we rely on you to take delivery of the furniture for us when they are delivered? We will instruct the furniture company to contact you to schedule a delivery date and time that will be convenient for you to receive the furniture for us. As you will be handling the delivery of the furniture for us,we may ask our financier to include the costs of our furniture with the rent and deposit to be sent to you so that you can help us to make the payment when it is delivered. We will really appreciate if you can do this for us and promise to compensate you adequately for your time and efforts on our arrival in your place.The payment should be written

Jeff Dahmer
12229 Icup St,
Miltonheadburg, NJ

Please let me know if this will be okay with you so that i can instruct our financier to go ahead with the payment and include the furniture fund.

Thanks and God Bless you.
Dr.Gordon Elvis

—————————-

From: Jeff
Sent: Tuesday, April 17, 2012 6:15 PM
To: Dr.Gordon Elvis
Subject: Re: Reply Asap !!!

Yes. That will be fine. I do request that you print out the lease and you sign it along with your wife and any children over the age of 3. I need this before we make any arrangements. You can scan the document and email me back.

Also, in regards to references, I’ll just need any type of document showing your employment in the States.

Thanks,
Jeff

—————————-

From: Dr.Gordon Elvis
Sent: Tuesday, April 17, 2012 6:55 PM
To: Jeff
Subject: Re: Reply Asap !!!

Thanks for your email as regards to the references, i will get a email from my employer to you today. i have informed our financier to send the moneys to you today. He should be getting into touch with you. i will sign the paper and send it back to you. please advice when you get message from our financier. please let us know if you take delivery for furniture also.

thank you,
Dr. Gordon Elvis

—————————-

From: Jeff
Sent: Tuesday, April 17, 2012 7:29 PM
To: Dr.Gordon Elvis
Subject: Re: Reply Asap !!!

Hello Dr. Gordon Elvis,

Thank you for your email. I have not heard from your financer yet. Can you please follow up with him to find out why he hasn’t sent me a message yet? I’m very worried I won’t get paid. I will gladly take in your furniture. I may even be willing to test it out with my husband to make sure it can “hold up” to “everyday use,” if you know what I mean.

Back to your profession: seeing as you are a chemist, did you want to do any work “on the side” for me? I’m thinking of attempting to mimick Breaking Bad and I could really use a smart doctor such as yourself to help me make “products.” If we get the business running, you won’t have to pay me rent anymore. Would you be willing to help?

Jeff

—————————-

From: Dr.Gordon Elvis
Sent: Tuesday, April 17, 2012 8:40 PM
To: Jeff
Subject: Re: Reply Asap !!!

i will not be making methamphetamines for you. i am a respected doctor in my country and do not do illegal things like that. i no longer want to rent your house from a dishonest person.

—————————-

From: Jeff
Sent: Tuesday, April 17, 2012 9:52 PM
To: Dr.Gordon Elvis
Subject: Re: Reply Asap !!!

Haha! You’re an online scammer and you’re calling me dishonest? Now that’s something I haven’t heard in a while. I’ve been messing with you since the beginning but I do have to say, I’m very impressed you either knew or Googled what Breaking Bad was. Good luck scamming money out of other people, I’m sure you’ll do great.

Jeff

—————————-

From: Dr.Gordon Elvis
Sent: Wednesday, April 18, 2012 12:22 AM
To: Jeff
Subject: Re: Reply Asap !!!

fuck off

—————————-

From: Jeff
Sent: Wednesday, April 18, 2012 7:17 AM
To: Dr.Gordon Elvis
Subject: Re: Reply Asap !!!

You’re not the first person to say that to me.


From: dl1rss@arcor.de
Sent: Thursday, April 19, 2012 4:36 AM
To: info@nokiafund.biz.ly
Subject: Congratulations! From Nokia

Dear NEFS Beneficiary,

This is to remind you that your £1,000,000.00 Pounds won by your email
account code RESS1982519459… on the NEFS 2012 batch is still on hold. On
how to activate your RESS codes or claim your prize, please contact Mr.
Christian Aldrich, email: nokiaendowmentfund@live.com, or
info@nokiafund.biz.ly; Tel: +44-xxxx69372

Please to activate your RESS codes or for more inquiring,contact the Online
Relations Unit
Mr. Mr. Christian Aldrich
NOKIA ENDOWMENT FUND SCHEME
2011 GRANT DONATION
Tel: +44-xxxx769372
FAX: +44xxxx1140082
Email:nokiaendowmentfund@live.com
info@nokiafund.biz.ly

Regards,
Mr. Kenneth Matheson

————————————————

From: Jeff

Sent: Thursday, April 19, 2012 9:32 AM

To: dl1rss@arcor.de ; nokiaendowmentfund@live.com ; info@nokiafund.biz.ly

Subject: Re: Congratulations! From Nokia

Hi,

I’m very happy to hear I won this money. Can you give me more details how I was chosen?

Regards,

Jeff

————————————————

From: Nokia Fund

Sent: Thursday, April 19, 2012 9:47 AM

To: xxx@hotmail.com

Subject: Confirmation Response From Beneficiary

NOKIA ENDOWMENT FUND(NEFS)
Confirmation Response From Beneficiary ,

Nokia Endowment Fund Scheme (NEFS) April 19th, 2012
NEFS Response alart!! Information Verification Process.
Nokia in conjunction with Microsoft, Western Union, IMF and World Bank in 2007 came up with a scheme called the ” Nokia Endowment Fund Scheme”, NEFS. This is to help reduce the level of poverty world wide and as a result from the ongoing March 2012 batch draw. your RESS1982519459 code which in RESS email translation is xxx@hotmail.comhas been approved by NEFS for the payment of GBP £1,000,000.00 Pounds.Information Verification Process.
To commence the transfer of GBP £1,000,000.00 Pounds and to ensure that we (NEFS) are dealing with the rightful owner of this registered email account: xxx@hotmail.com, you are to provide the information below for Internet Database analysis and verification purpose. This is for security reasons and to ensure that beneficiary funds are in a safer hand.The question below contain the information you used to registered this email account: xxx@hotmail.com, to ensure response are from the rightful owner of this email account, please complete the questions below.Email account that is being analyzed for claim: xxx@hotmail.com / RESS1982519459
What is the Fullname of this email account:
What is the Registered age of the email account:
Enter Gender/Sex of the email account holder:
What is the Occupation of the email account holder:
What is the Nationality of the email account holder:
What is the country of Residence of the account holder:Please complete and send the above request to nokiafundschme@live.co.uk or info@nokiafund.biz.lyfor verification purpose and information analysis after which you will receive a response from us instructing you on how to claim your prize.

Please note that this email account will be block from sending mail if discovered that the message received is not from the authorized beneficiary. Therefore, you have been adviced to complete the above information accurately and If you have received this communication in error, please delete this mail and notify us immediately at this email address: info@nokiafund.biz.lyFor more inquiring,contact the Online Relations Unit
Mr. Christian Aldrich
NOKIA ENDOWMENT FUND SCHEME
MARCH 2012 GRANT DONATION
Tel: +44-xxxx769372
FAX: +44xxxx1140082
Email: nokiafundschme@live.co.uk
info@nokiafund.biz.lyImportant Note:You agree that NEFS Corporation, in its sole discretion, has the right (but not the obligation) to delete or deactivate your RESS code, block your email or IP address, or otherwise suspend and terminate your access to this Website immediately and without notice, for any reason, including, without limitation, if Corporation believes that you have acted inconsistently with the letter or spirit of the terms or if discovered that you activate your RESS code more than once or disclose your RESS code to any one as it is against NEFS policy.
TheInformation contained and transmitted by this E-MAIL is proprietary to NEFS and/or its Beneficiary and is intended for use only by the individual or entity to which it is addressed, and may contain information that is privileged, confidential or exempt from a disclosure under applicable law. If this is a forwarded message, the content of this E-MAIL may not have been sent with the authority of NEFS. NEFS shall not be liable for any mails sent without due authorisation or through unauthorised access. If you are not the intended recipient, an agent of the intended recipient or a personresponsible for delivering the information to the named recipient, you are notified that any use, distribution, transmission, printing, copying or dissemination of this information in any way or in any manner is strictly prohibited. If you have received this communication in error, please delete this mail and notify us immediately at this email address: info@nokiafund.biz.ly

————————————————

From: Jeff

Sent: Thursday, April 19, 2012 9:52 AM

To: Nokia Fund ; nokiafundschme@live.co.uk

Subject: Re: Confirmation Response From Beneficiary

Hello,

Thank you for clarifying this for me.

As requested:

Email account that is being analyzed for claim: xxx@hotmail.com / RESS1333319459
What is the Fullname of this email account: xxx@hotmail.com
What is the Registered age of the email account: The email address is 5 years old
Enter Sex of the email account holder: Daily to every other day
What is the Occupation of the email account holder: Email Cleaner – my job is to filter all of the spam emails from Nigeria and forward them on to the authorities. You wouldn’t believe how many I get.
What is the Nationality of the email account holder: English
What is the country of Residence of the account holder: South America

Is that all you need?

Jeff

————————————————

From: Nokia Fund

Sent: Thursday, April 19, 2012 11:19 AM

To: xxx@hotmail.com

Subject: Confirmation Response From Beneficiary

NOKIA ENDOWMENT FUND(NEFS)
Confirmation Response From Beneficiary ,

Nokia Endowment Fund Scheme (NEFS) April 19th, 2012
Information Verification Process.After a thorough analysis from the internet Database, we discovered that one or more of the below information you just completed does not correspond to that of NEFS Database. Therefore, we couldn’t proceed further processing your information due to the invalid information provided by you. To ensure that this response was from rightful owner of this email account xxx@hotmail.com, please complete the questions below.Email account that is being analyzed for claim: xxx@hotmail.com / RESS1982519459
What is the Fullname of this email account:
What is the Registered age of the email account:
Enter Gender/Sex of the email account holder:
What is the Occupation of the email account holder:
What is the Nationality of the email account holder:
What is the country of Residence of the account holder:Please complete and send the above request to nokiafundschme@live.co.uk or info@nokiafund.biz.lyfor verification purpose and information analysis after which you will receive a response from us instructing you on how to claim your prize.

Please note that this email account will be block from sending mail if discovered that the message received is not from the authorized beneficiary. Therefore, you have been adviced to complete the above information accurately and If you have received this communication in error, please delete this mail and notify us immediately at this email address: info@nokiafund.biz.lyFor more inquiring,contact the Online Relations Unit
Mr. Christian Aldrich
NOKIA ENDOWMENT FUND SCHEME
2012 GRANT DONATION
Tel: +44-xxxx769372
FAX: +44xxxx1140082
Email: nokiafundschme@live.co.uk
info@nokiafund.biz.lyImportant Note:You agree that NEFS Corporation, in its sole discretion, has the right (but not the obligation) to delete or deactivate your RESS code, block your email or IP address, or otherwise suspend and terminate your access to this Website immediately and without notice, for any reason, including, without limitation, if Corporation believes that you have acted inconsistently with the letter or spirit of the terms or if discovered that you activate your RESS code more than once or disclose your RESS code to any one as it is against NEFS policy.
The Information contained and transmitted by this E-MAIL is proprietary to NEFS and/or its Beneficiary and is intended for use only by the individual or entity to which it is addressed, and may contain information that is privileged, confidential or exempt from a disclosure under applicable law. If this is a forwarded message, the content of this E-MAIL may not have been sent with the authority of NEFS. NEFS shall not be liable for any mails sent without due authorisation or through unauthorised access. If you are not the intended recipient, an agent of the intended recipient or a person responsible for delivering the information to the named recipient, you are notified that any use, distribution, transmission, printing, copying or dissemination of this information in any way or in any manner is strictly prohibited. If you have received this communication in error, please delete this mail and notify us immediately at this email address: info@nokiafund.biz.ly

————————————————

From: Jeff

Sent: Thursday, April 19, 2012 11:25 AM

To: Nokia Fund

Subject: Re: Confirmation Response From Beneficiary

Hello,

I don’t understand why that didn’t work? I’ll send it to you again.

Email account that is being analyzed for claim: xxx@hotmail.com / RESS1333319459
What is the Fullname of this email account: xxx@hotmail.com
What is the Registered age of the email account: It has not been registered yet.
Enter Sex of the email account holder: Mainly humans but when I’m unable to get any, I resort to canines.
What is the Occupation of the email account holder: Email holder. My job is to hold on to emails. This includes e-vites that people will never get.
What is the Nationality of the email account holder: I’m ranked #2 nationally.
What is the country of Residence of the account holder: I think Toby Keith is probably my favorite.

Is that all you need?

Jeff

————————————————

From: Nokia Fund

Sent: Thursday, April 19, 2012 11:39 AM

To: xxx@hotmail.com

Subject: RE: Confirmation Response From Beneficiary
Please you have been instructed to follow the requirement for us to proceed. You have been advice to complete the information below:

Fullname of the Beneficiary:
Gender of the Beneficiary:
Your Occupation:
Nationality of Beneficiary:
Country of Residence:
Email account that is being analyzed for claim: xxx@hotmail.com / RESS1983319459

Please complete and send the above request to nokiafundschme@live.co.uk or info@nokiafund.biz.lyfor verification purpose and information analysis after which you will receive a response from us instructing you on how to claim your prize.

Please note that this email account will be block from sending mail if discovered that the message received is not from the authorized beneficiary. Therefore, you have been adviced to complete the above information accurately and If you have received this communication in error, please delete this mail and notify us immediately at this email address: info@nokiafund.biz.ly

————————————————

From: Jeff

Sent: Thursday, April 19, 2012 11:57 AM

To: Nokia Fund

Subject: Re: Confirmation Response From Beneficiary

Fullname of the Beneficiary: Jeff Dahmer
Gender of the Beneficiary: Transgender
Your Occupation: Flesh Analyzer – My job is to determine which flesh would be best served with each of the wines that are made by my employer. I try each limb, gender and age along with each type of wine and rate them on a scale from 1 to delicious.
Nationality of Beneficiary: Amurican
Country of Residence: Amurica
Email account that is being analyzed for claim: xxx@hotmail.com / RESS1333339459

Thank you,

Jeff

————————————————

From: Nokia Fund

Sent: Thursday, April 19, 2012 12:12 PM

To: xxx@hotmail.com

Subject: RE: Confirmation Response From Beneficiary

Confirmation Response From Beneficiary,

After a thorough analysis from the internet Database, we discovered that one or more of the below information you just completed does not correspond to that of NEFS Database. Therefore, we couldn’t proceed further processing your information due to the invalid information provided by you. To ensure that this response was from rightful owner of this email account ahshahbaz@hotmail.com, please complete the questions below.

Please you have been instructed to follow the requirement for us to proceed. You have been advice to complete the information below:
Fullname of the Beneficiary:
Gender of the Beneficiary:
Your Occupation:
Nationality of Beneficiary:
Country of Residence:
Email account that is being analyzed for claim: xxx@hotmail.com / RESS1983319459

Please complete and send the above request to nokiafundschme@live.co.uk or info@nokiafund.biz.lyfor verification purpose and information analysis after which you will receive a response from us instructing you on how to claim your prize.

Please note that this email account will be block from sending mail if discovered that the message received is not from the authorized beneficiary. Therefore, you have been adviced to complete the above information accurately and If you have received this communication in error, please delete this mail and notify us immediately at this email address: info@nokiafund.biz.ly

————————————————

From: Jeff

Sent: Thursday, April 19, 2012 12:28 PM

To: Nokia Fund

Subject: Re: Confirmation Response From Beneficiary

I must have mistyped something. I’ll do it again.

Fullname of the Beneficiary: Jeff McDonald
Gender of the Beneficiary: Asexual
Your Occupation: Organ Grinder – I take the organs of the deceased and I grind them into a pink sludge. Most of the product is then sold to McDonald’s to be used as chicken nuggets, cheeseburgers or milkshakes.
Nationality of Beneficiary: Human
Country of Residence: International
Email account that is being analyzed for claim: xxx@hotmail.com / RESS1333319459

Thanks,

Jeff

————————————————

From: Nokia Fund

Sent: Thursday, April 19, 2012 1:16 PM

To: xxx@hotmail.com

Subject: RE: Confirmation Response From Beneficiary

Confirmation Response From Beneficiary,

After a thorough analysis from the internet Database, we discovered that one or more of the below information you just completed does not correspond to that of NEFS Database. Therefore, we couldn’t proceed further processing your information due to the invalid information provided by you. To ensure that this response was from rightful owner of this email account ahshahbaz@hotmail.com, please complete the questions below.

Please you have been instructed to follow the requirement for us to proceed. You have been advice to complete the information below:
Fullname of the Beneficiary:
Gender of the Beneficiary:
Your Occupation:
Nationality of Beneficiary:
Country of Residence:
Email account that is being analyzed for claim: xxx@hotmail.com / RESS1983319459

Please complete and send the above request to nokiafundschme@live.co.uk or info@nokiafund.biz.lyfor verification purpose and information analysis after which you will receive a response from us instructing you on how to claim your prize.

Please note that this email account will be block from sending mail if discovered that the message received is not from the authorized beneficiary. Therefore, you have been adviced to complete the above information accurately and If you have received this communication in error, please delete this mail and notify us immediately at this email address: info@nokiafund.biz.ly

————————————————

From: Jeff

Sent: Thursday, April 19, 2012 3:52 PM

To: Nokia Fund

Subject: Re: Confirmation Response From Beneficiary

I’m really not sure why this isn’t working. I’ve worked a few jobs but they should all show up…

Fullname of the Beneficiary: Jeff Geoff
Gender of the Beneficiary: Transvestite
Your Occupation: I help under privileged children who lost their dignity search for it by putting up posters on the doors of Planned Parenthood. Though we lost most of the funding, we continue to thrive mostly on donations for African beneficiaries. Would you be interested in donating to our cause?
Nationality of Beneficiary: Legolandish
Country of Residence: Legoland
Email account that is being analyzed for claim: xxx@hotmail.com / RESS1333319459

————————————————

From: Nokia Fund

Sent: Friday, April 20, 2012 1:30 AM

To: xxx@hotmail.com

Subject: RE: Confirmation Response From Beneficiary

Dear Jeff Geoff,

We do understand your complain but we want you to understand that we are only doing our job to make sure that the money won by this email: get to the right person and this is why we want you to complete the below information. The information you just completed are incomplete and therefore, invalid. We want you to take your time to complete the information below so as we can further the process of claiming your money won.
What is your fullname:
Which country are you from:
Which country do you live now:
What is your Occupation/ Job:
How old are you?

Email account that is being analyzed for claim: xxx@hotmail.com / RESS1983319459

Please complete and send the above request to nokiafundschme@live.co.uk or info@nokiafund.biz.lyfor verification purpose and information analysis after which you will receive a response from us instructing you on how to claim your prize.

Please note that this email account will be block from sending mail if discovered that the message received is not from the authorized beneficiary. Therefore, you have been adviced to complete the above information accurately and If you have received this communication in error, please delete this mail and notify us immediately at this email address: info@nokiafund.biz.ly

————————————————

From: Jeff

Sent: Monday, April 23, 2012 11:03 AM

To: Nokia Fund

Subject: Re: Confirmation Response From Beneficiary

Hmm, I’ve had a lot of jobs in the past few years; I’m not sure which one is in the database. Let me try once more.

What is your fullname: Jeff Frodo
Which country are you from: Shire
Which country do you live now: Gondor
What is your Occupation/ Job: I have been given a very powerful ring that I am instructed to destroy at Mount Doom. It’s power has come very close to overtaking me and keeping me from completing my task. I have a “friend” Sam who is utterly pathetic and holds me back more than he helps. I really hope Smeagol eats him.
How old are you? I was 33 when I left on my journey.

Email account that is being analyzed for claim: xxx@hotmail.com / RESS1333319459

————————————————

From: Nokia Fund

Sent: Monday, April 23, 2012 12:33 PM

To: xxx@hotmail.com

Subject: RE: Confirmation Response From Beneficiary

Dear Jeff Frodo,

We do understand your complain but we want you to understand that we are only doing our job to make sure that the money won by this email: get to the right person and this is why we want you to complete the below information. The information you just completed are incomplete and therefore, invalid. We want you to take your time to complete the information below so as we can further the process of claiming your money won.
What is your fullname:
Which country are you from:
Which country do you live now:
What is your Occupation/ Job:
How old are you?

Email account that is being analyzed for claim: xxx@hotmail.com / RESS1983319459

Please complete and send the above request to nokiafundschme@live.co.uk or info@nokiafund.biz.lyfor verification purpose and information analysis after which you will receive a response from us instructing you on how to claim your prize.

Please note that this email account will be block from sending mail if discovered that the message received is not from the authorized beneficiary. Therefore, you have been adviced to complete the above information accurately and If you have received this communication in error, please delete this mail and notify us immediately at this email address: info@nokiafund.biz.ly

————————————————

From: Jeff

Sent: Monday, April 23, 2012 4:03 PM

To: Nokia Fund

Subject: Re: Confirmation Response From Beneficiary

What is your fullname: Jeff Giraffe
Which country are you from: Candy Land
Which country do you live now: Shootsnladders
What is your Occupation/ Job: I am a repairman for sliding boards and ladders. I allow children to take shortcuts on their way to 100. It’s a very difficult job.
How old are you? Ages 5+

Email account that is being analyzed for claim: xxx@hotmail.com / RESS1333319459

————————————————

From: Nokia Fund

Sent: Monday, April 23, 2012 6:13 PM

To: xxx@hotmail.com

Subject: RE: Confirmation Response From Beneficiary

Dear Jeff Giraffe,

Are you sure you are putting your right informations? we are inable to find your name.

After a thorough analysis from the internet Database, we discovered that one or more of the below information you just completed does not correspond to that of NEFS Database. Therefore, we couldn’t proceed further processing your information due to the invalid information provided by you. To ensure that this response was from rightful owner of this email account ahshahbaz@hotmail.com, please complete the questions below.

Please you have been instructed to follow the requirement for us to proceed. You have been advice to complete the information below:
Fullname of the Beneficiary:
Gender of the Beneficiary:
Your Occupation:
Nationality of Beneficiary:
Country of Residence:
Email account that is being analyzed for claim: xxx@hotmail.com / RESS1983319459

Please complete and send the above request to nokiafundschme@live.co.uk or info@nokiafund.biz.lyfor verification purpose and information analysis after which you will receive a response from us instructing you on how to claim your prize.

Please note that this email account will be block from sending mail if discovered that the message received is not from the authorized beneficiary. Therefore, you have been adviced to complete the above information accurately and If you have received this communication in error, please delete this mail and notify us immediately at this email address: info@nokiafund.biz.ly

————————————————

From: Jeff

Sent: Monday, April 23, 2012 6:54 PM

To: Nokia Fund

Subject: Re: Confirmation Response From Beneficiary

Like I said, I have had many jobs. Due to witness protection, I have also had to change my name and my identity many times. Do you think you can give me a hint as to which name of mine you have in the database? Try this one:

What is your fullname: Jeff Degree
Which country are you from: BO’ica
Which country do you live now: Odorland
What is your Occupation/ Job: I worked at an odor tester. My job is to smell the armpits of multiple users and determine which smells the worst. After about the 4th or 5th, they all smell equally pleasant. Once I determine which smells the best, I conduct a taste test to compare the aromas on the tongue.
How old are you? Ages 18-75

Email account that is being analyzed for claim: xxx@hotmail.com / RESS1333319459

————————————————

From: Nokia Fund

Sent: Monday, April 23, 2012 8:25 PM

To: xxx@hotmail.com

Subject: RE: Confirmation Response From Beneficiary

Confirmation Response From Beneficiary,

After a thorough analysis from the internet Database, we discovered that one or more of the below information you just completed does not correspond to that of NEFS Database. Therefore, we couldn’t proceed further processing your information due to the invalid information provided by you. To ensure that this response was from rightful owner of this email account ahshahbaz@hotmail.com, please complete the questions below.

Please you have been instructed to follow the requirement for us to proceed. You have been advice to complete the information below:
Fullname of the Beneficiary:
Gender of the Beneficiary:
Your Occupation:
Nationality of Beneficiary:
Country of Residence:
Email account that is being analyzed for claim: xxx@hotmail.com / RESS1983319459

Please complete and send the above request to nokiafundschme@live.co.uk or info@nokiafund.biz.lyfor verification purpose and information analysis after which you will receive a response from us instructing you on how to claim your prize.

Please note that this email account will be block from sending mail if discovered that the message received is not from the authorized beneficiary. Therefore, you have been adviced to complete the above information accurately and If you have received this communication in error, please delete this mail and notify us immediately at this email address: info@nokiafund.biz.ly

————————————————

From: Jeff

Sent: Monday, April 23, 2012 9:01 PM

To: Nokia Fund

Subject: Re: Confirmation Response From Beneficiary

I can’t believe you’re still emailing me. Have you really not figured out that I’m messing with you and I know you’re trying to scam me? You’re making this very difficult because I’m running out of ideas for fake names and fake jobs. Didn’t it throw you that I changed the claim number from RESS1983319459 to RESS1333319459 every time I sent an email? Or that I said one of my jobs was that I filter emails from Nigerian Scammers? Furthermore, you should really check your spelling and grammar if you want to have a chance of fooling someone into thinking this is real.It’s blatantly obvious that you’re not from Nokia.

Either you’re very persistent or you’re very dumb. I guess I’ll try once more. Let me know if this shows up in the database.

Fullname of the Beneficiary: El Jefe
Gender of the Beneficiary: Male and Female – the transformation is only 1/2 done
Your Occupation: I bait scammers into thinking that I’m actually going to send them money in order to claim fake prizes they told me I won. So far it’s been a successful endeavor.
How old are you? Young enough to do it often, old enough to do it right.
Country of Residence: I live on the World Wide Web
Email account that is being analyzed for claim: xxx@hotmail.com / RESS1333319459

————————————————

From: Nokia Fund

Sent: Monday, April 23, 2012 11:52 PM

To: xxx@hotmail.com

Subject: RE: Confirmation Response From Beneficiary

Where are words spelled wrong and bad grammer?

————————————————

From: Jeff

Sent: Tuesday, April 24, 2012 7:22 AM

To: Nokia Fund

Subject: Re: Confirmation Response From Beneficiary

Hahahahaha. Goodbye.

Sorry, no one has the keys

Posted: April 13, 2012 in Housing

From: Melissa Temple
Sent: Monday, Mar 26, 2012 at 8:27 AM
To: Jeff
Subject: 1 BR Apartment

Hello,
Thanks for taking the time to look at my property.My name is Melissa Temple,I’m 39 years old,I’m the owner of this condo(1 bedrooms,1 bathrooms,648 square footage).It’s located in 4820 Chevy Chase Drive,Chevy Chase,MD 20815.The unit is equipped with recessed lighting, central air and heat, the condo come with two parking spots,a storage unit where you can deposit my furniture (if you don’t like it and you want use your furniture),there is also a linen closet, and most importantly, a new front loading stacked washer and drier.Pets allowed.I’ve moved to United Kingdom with my job and decided to rent it because the rent is very expensive here.The price is so low because I’m here and is very hard to find a tenant.I can rent you the condo for min. 1 month and max. 6 years(or more).I really want to find a good and responsible tenant for it, and I hope that you can send me some personal information about yourself.The rent for whole the condo for 1 month is $700.00 including all utilities(water,electricity, internet, cable, parking , airconditioning, fireplace, dishwasher, garbage) and the security deposit is $700.00 (you’ll get the deposit back at your departure-or you can use it to pay your last month of rent) and I want to receive the money monthly in my bank account. You can move in the condo in the same day when you receive the keys. The only problem is that I`m the only person who has the keys and I have nobody in United States that could show you the condo. In order to check it, see if you like it(I’m sure that you’ll love it), you need to receive the keys and the contract.
If you want to rent the condo, please e-mail me back and I will explain you how the payment and shipping will take place!

Have a nice day

———————–

From: Jeff
Sent: Tuesday, April 03, 2012 4:37 PM
To: chevimiche1i1i0o_2@hotmail.com
Subject: 1 BR Apartment

Hello Ms. Temple,

Thank you for your response to my message. My name is Jeff and I’m in the market for a condo to stay in. I LOVE this place you have and it sounds perfect. I understand the frustration with trying to find a good tenant and find one quickly. Well good news, you found one! I do have a few questions if you wouldn’t mind answering for me when you have time.

1. With regards to the pets: do you have any limit to the types of pets or the number I have? I have a small colony of Tsetse Flies that I have raised since birth. They are in a sealed ecosphere so the only chance that they’d ever get out is if my jackalope (it’s a cross between a jackrabbit and an antelope – it’s about the size of a dog) runs around with a sausage link its month and knocks it over. Obviously I will be very careful to put it out of the way as to avoid this happening. The Tsetse’s don’t require any feeding or cleaning up after as the environment I built for them is 100% self sufficient. Other than that we only have a few boxing kangaroos that we house sit maybe once a year.

2. Do you rent to own? I’ve been looking to buy a place and yours is almost exactly what I’m looking for. Could I pay you $900 a month rather than $700 in order to help me pay you quicker? I’ve been working as a knob polisher at the local hotel for years now and I am by far the most skilled when it comes to giving the knobs a good shine. No one can buff them like I can (I recently found a great lubricant that helps make them shine that I refuse to tell anyone about… it’s how I do what I do!) As a part time job I am a shopping cart wrangler for the local grocery store. I’m not permitted to use the electric cart pusher because I don’t have a drivers license but I’ve been going to the gym and hulking up so I’m able to push upwards of 45 carts at once. My boss says I’m up for a promotion soon. My boss said I may be able to clean the vajayjay displays if I work hard enough.

3. The keys: I know you don’t have them, but you do have someone who can get them for me? My girlfriend is very anxious about this condo. She’s been having problems lately in the place we’ve been staying. She’s been getting a really weird rash from what we believe is razzmatazz. It’s a really bad situation. I’m not a gynecologist but I took a look and it wasn’t a pretty site. So the sooner we can get this worked out, the better.

4. Payment: do you accept major credit cards or Western Union? You said you’d explain this to me so I’ll just wait on your response.

I’m really looking forward to hearing back from you and I hope the place is still available!!

Sincerely,
Jeff

———————–

From: Melissa Temple
Sent: Tuesday, April 03, 2012 7:45 PM
To: hotlineshiz@hotmail.com
Subject: RE: 1 BR Apartment

Thank you for your reply.
Before going further with anything I must tell you that for payments I will use the eBay Company, they will secure the transaction of payments. I will open a CASE ID# at eBay Company for this transaction and I will give them your full name, shipping info, phone# and indicate you as my tenant. After that, they will contact you with the payment details, and they will ask you to send them a refundable deposit, $1,400.00 in 24 hours(the money will be for the first month of rent + the security deposit). After they receive your deposit, they will notify me immediately to start the shipping of the keys and the contract. You will receive a  tracking number in max 24 hours after they receive your deposit. The keys will reach to you in 3-4 days. After you’ll receive the keys and the contract, the 14 days of inspection period will start( you’ll have 14 days to see the condo, read the contract, decide if you keep the condo or not).After the inspection you will contact them and tell your decision: TAKE THE CONDO or NOT TAKE THE CONDO! In case you’ll take it you’ll have to send them a copy of the contract signed by you and they will release the money to me, if not you’ll have to send them the contract unsigned and they will refund your money($1,400.00), the contract and the keys will be shipped back at my expenses! I will pay the shipping and you’ll have to pay the money transfer fee for the refundable deposit.
Once again:

1. If you have the money $1,400.00 and if you want to rent it send me your full name, your shipping address and your phone#

2. I will open a CASE ID# at eBay Company for this transaction , and I will give them your info, and indicate you as my tenant.

3. After that, they will contact you with the payment details(you’ll have to send them $1,400.00 via money transfer in the next 24 hours-you’ll need cash)

4. After they receive your deposit, they will notify me immediately to start the shipping, and you will receive a  tracking number in max 24 hours after they receive your deposit.

5.From the moment you receive the keys the 14 days inspection period will start.I will make the transaction only in this way so if you have the money and if you want to rent my condo send me your full name, your shipping address, your phone# and I’ll start the procedure.

Thanks

———————–

From: Jeff
Sent: Wednesday, April 04, 2012 9:05 AM
To: Melissa Temple
Subject: Re: 1 BR Apartment

Hello Ms. Temple,

I’m really sorry but you failed to answer any of the questions I asked. I’m  very serious about this place but I really need to have those questions answered.  Also, if you want to create the eBay transaction, please do so and send me a link to it. Also, what is your PayPal information so I can send you the money (once you’ve answered my questions)?

Thanks,
Jeff

———————–

From: Melissa Temple
Sent: Wednesday, April 04, 2012 10:58 AM
To: hotlineshiz@hotmail.com
Subject: RE: 1 BR Apartment

1. It’s ok pets is allowed

2. the rent is $700 per month.

3. The only problem is that I`m the only person who has the keys and I have nobody in United States that could show you the condo.

4. yes i accept western union. Initially I wanted paypal but I tried to get verified with them and they couldn’t verify my account because there is a problem with my credit card as it has already been used by someone else. So if you have the money and if you want to rent my condo send me your full name, your shipping address, your phone# and I’ll start the procedure.

Thank you

———————–

From: Jeff
Sent: Wednesday, April 04, 2012 6:49 PM
To: Melissa Temple
Subject: Re: 1 BR Apartment

Thank you for those responses.

In regards to question number two, does that mean that you do not want to sell the place? I would pay you extra every month and then eventually I’d just buy the house off of you and you’d make a good amount of money from it. I think this is a great idea. Would you be willing to do that? That way when I buy more pets I can move them in without you having to worry about any kind of damage. Also, I’m thinking of adopting a few foster children. Is there a limit (by law) to how many people can live in the dwelling? I’d like pick up about 4-5 children within the next week or so. I was thinking of getting a mixed bag so that I can teach them about equality at an early age.

I think the easiest way is going to be for you to send me the eBay auction/listing and then forward it to my email. That way I can pay you over the internet where I feel all of my personal information is safer. Or if you’re taking Western Union, tell me the name and address to put on the paperwork and I’ll go over right now.

Thanks,
Jeff

———————–

From: Jeff
Sent: Thursday, April 05, 2012 12:40 PM
To: Melissa Temple
Subject: Re: 1 BR Apartment

Hello Melissa,

Can you please respond? I really want to move out of my current dwelling since my girfriend’s woohoo is really starting to swell.

Jeff

———————–

From: Melissa Temple
Sent: Thursday, April 05, 2012 1:17 PM
To: hotlineshiz@hotmail.com
Subject: RE: 1 BR Apartment

If you have the money and if you want to rent my condo send me your full name, your shipping address, your phone# and I’ll start the procedure.

———————–

From: Jeff
Sent: Thursday, April 05, 2012 1:22 PM
To: Melissa Temple
Subject: Re: 1 BR Apartment

I really do want to rent it and you said that you were going to use Western Union. I was going to fill out the paperwork and when I send the first month rent and the deposit, I’ll be sure to include all of my information on there. I usually don’t like to put my information in emails because I don’t feel it’s safe.

Can you tell me where to send the Western Union payment?

I believe I’ll need your name, location and a question with an answer. For the question, I plan to use, “Are you DTF?” – I would just need an answer so you won’t be required to show ID when picking up the payment.

Jeff

———————–

From: Melissa Temple
Sent: Friday, April 06, 2012 7:52 AM
To: hotlineshiz@hotmail.com
Subject: RE: 1 BR Apartment

Ok this is my information:

First name:  Melissa
Last name:  Temple
Address:  164 Eversholt Street
City:  Camden
State:  Camden
Zip Code:  NW1 1BL
Country:  United Kingdom

———————–

From: Melissa Temple
Sent: Saturday, April 07, 2012 7:25 AM
To: hotlineshiz@hotmail.com
Subject: RE: 1 BR Apartment

what’s going on?

———————–

From: Jeff
Sent: Monday, April 09, 2012 12:39 PM
To: Melissa Temple
Subject: Re: 1 BR Apartment

I’m very sorry. I was out of town for the holiday weekend. I have all of the paperwork filled out but it requires that I put a question that you’ll need to answer. Seeing as you didn’t respond to “Are you DTF?” I figured I’d put a new question you may like better. Once you answer, I’ll bring the form over to Western Union.

The question is this: “I know you are, but what am I?”
Your answer is: ?

Jeff

———————–

From: Jeff
Sent: Wednesday, April 11, 2012 12:03 PM
To: Melissa Temple
Subject: Re: 1 BR Apartment

Ms. Temple?

———————–

From: Melissa Temple
Sent: Thursday, April 12, 2012 9:37 AM
To: Jeff
Subject: Re: 1 BR Apartment

Are you trying to scam me? I’ll report you to the police.

———————–

From: Jeff
Sent: Wednesday, April 12, 2012 10:03 AM
To: Melissa Temple
Subject: Re: 1 BR Apartment

No, I’m trying to bait you so that I can make you do ridiculous things.

So, can you please answer the question so I can send you the money?

Jeff

———————–

From: Melissa Temple
Sent: Thursday, April 12, 2012 11:25 AM
To: Jeff
Subject: Re: 1 BR Apartment

Fuck off

YOUR STUPID

Posted: April 10, 2012 in Found your money

From: MR.TERENCE P McCULLEY
Sent: Saturday, March 31, 2012 7:20 AM
To: Jeff
Subject: FROM THE U.S AMBASSADOR

U.S AMBASSADOR OFFICE
11 GARIK ROAD LAGOS
LAGOS, NIGERIA
TEL:+234-xxxxxx-5048

DEAR BENEFICIARY :

FROM THE U.S AMBASSADOR TO NIGERIA

BE INFORMED THAT I HAVE RESOLVED WITH THE NIGERIA PRESIDENCY TO DELIVER THE SUM OF US$2.5M BEING THE INTEREST FUND ACCRUED FROM YOUR CONTRACT/INHERITANCE AND COMPENSATION FUND.

I SHALL BE COMING OVER TO YOUR COUNTRY FOR AN OFFICIAL MEETING BY NEXT WEEK AND I WILL BE BRINGING YOUR CONSIGNMENT CONTAINING THE FUND WHICH HAS BEEN PACKAGED AND SEALED IN YOUR FAVOR BUT THIS TIME I WILL NOT GO THROUGH CUSTOMS BECAUSE AS A U.S AMBASSADOR TO NIGERIA, GOVERNMENT AGENT AND I HAVE THE VOTER POWER TO GO THROUGH CUSTOMS.I AM SCHEDULED TO HAVE A MEETING  WITH THE SECRETARY OF STATES BY NEXT WEEK.

YOU ARE ADVICE TO SEND YOUR CELL PHONE NUMBER AND THE ADDRESS WHERE YOU WANT YOUR CONSIGNMENT/PACKAGE TO BE DELIVERED TO. I ALSO UNDERSTAND THAT YOU HAVE REALLY PAID SO MUCH WITHOUT GETTING ANYTHING IN RETURN AS I WAS MADE TO UNDERSTAND AND THAT IS WHY I HAVE PERSONALLY INTERVENED AND I MUST SAY THAT YOU ARE A VERY LUCKY PERSON BECAUSE I SHALL BE BRINGING YOUR PACKAGE BY MYSELF AND THERE IS NOTHING ANYONE CAN DO ABOUT IT.

YOUR PACKAGE(US$2.5M} MUST BE REGISTERED AS AN AMBASSADORIAL PACKAGE FOR ME TO DEFEAT ALL ODDS AND THE COST OF REGISTERING IT IS $155.00.

THE FEE MUST BE PAID IN THE NEXT 50 HOURS VIA WESTERN UNION SO THAT ALL NECESSARY ARRANGEMENT CAN BE MADE BEFORE TIME WILL BE AGAINST US.

YOU SHOULD SEND THE FEE DIRECTLY TO THE CARGO REGISTRATION OFFICER WITH THE INFO BELOW-

NAME ————- SAM MBA
ADDRESS ——– LAGOS NIGERIA
TEXT QUESTION —– TO WHO
TEXT ANSWER ——- ME
AMOUNT————-US$155

MY TRIP WILL BE BY MID WEEK AND I EXPECT YOU TO COMPLY BEFORE THEN SO THAT THE DELIVERY CAN BE COMPLETED. IF YOU DO NOT COMPLY, THEN IT WILL NOT BE MY FAULT IF YOU DO NOT RECEIVE YOUR CONSIGNMENT PACKAGE.

VIEW MY IDENTITY AND GET BACK TO ME WITH THE PAYMENT INFORMATION.

TREAT AS URGENT,
MR.TERENCE P. McCULLEY
U.S AMBASSADOR TO NIGERIA


———————————

From: Jeff
Sent: Tuesday, April 03, 2012 10:01 AM
To: MR.TERENCE P McCULLEY
Subject: Re: FROM THE U.S AMBASSADOR

Mr. Ambassador,

Thank you for the information. I see that you will be in the United States this week. Can you please give me more details about your trip and how we can organize this transfer?

Thank you in advance,
Jeff

———————————

From: MR.TERENCE P McCULLEY
Sent: Tuesday, April 03, 2012 12:13 PM
To: Jeff
Subject: Re: FROM THE U.S AMBASSADOR

U.S AMBASSADOR OFFICE
11 GARIK ROAD LAGOS
LAGOS, NIGERIA
TEL:+234-xxxxxx-5048

DEAR BENEFICIARY :JEFF

FROM THE U.S AMBASSADOR TO NIGERIA

THANKS FOR YOUR REPLY TO MY MAIL,

I AM WRITING TO NOTIFY YOU THAT MY TRIP WILL BE BY FRIDAY THIS WEEK IF ONLY YOU CAN SEND THE REGISTRATION FEE BEFORE THAT DAY. ALL YOU HAVE TO DO NOW IS TO GO AND SEND THE FEE THROUGH WESTERN UNION MONEY TRANSFER.

YOU SHOULD SEND THE FEE DIRECTLY TO THE CARGO REGISTRATION OFFICER WITH THE INFO BELOW-

NAME ————- SAM MBA
ADDRESS ——– LAGOS NIGERIA
TEXT QUESTION —– TO WHO
TEXT ANSWER ——- ME
AMOUNT————-US$155

PLEASE YOU SHOULD RECOMFIRM YOUR ADDRESS,TELEPHONE NUMBER TO ENABLE ME CONTACT YOU AS SOON AS I ARRIVE IN THE UNITED STATES TO AVOID ANY MISTAKE.

GET BACK TO ME WITH THE PAYMENT INFORMATION.

TREAT AS URGENT,
MR.TERENCE P. McCULLEY
U.S AMBASSADOR TO NIGERIA

———————————

From: Jeff
Sent: Wednesday, April 04, 2012 7:00 AM
To: MR.TERENCE P McCULLEY
Subject: Re: FROM THE U.S AMBASSADOR

Dear Ambassador,

Where will you be flying in to? I will try to meet you at the airport in order to help reduce the amount of time I have to wait to get my money. Seeing as I’ll have enough money to do so, I’ll hire a local celebrity (likely the man who pays a king eating meat off the bone in the local theater) to drive us. Just try not to talk to him too often. He’s a Hyperpolysyllabicsesquipedalianist and I swear he does it just to show off sometimes. What a geekburger with cheese. But we can have him drive us to Punxsutawney, PA where I heard they have the ultimate fist pump party down on Beaver Creek. The last time I went to a good fist pumping party, I ended up getting punched right in the jaw and it broke in two different places. Talk about your jaw dropping to the floor. It took 4 years of reconstructive surgery to get everything back to normal.

Well as you know, I have already lost a good deal of money with these things. I feel you are different and I feel that I can trust you but I really don’t like to work with people I don’t fully know. I will send the money but first, would you be willing to send me a picture of yourself with today’s newspaper and a note that says, “Dear Beneficiary: Jeff”? It would ease any of my concerns and that way we can get this worked out before your visit on Friday.

Thanks,
Jeff

———————————

From: MR.TERENCE P McCULLEY
Sent: Wednesday, April 04, 2012 11:16 AM
To: Jeff
Subject: Re: FROM THE U.S AMBASSADOR

U.S AMBASSADOR OFFICE
11 GARIK ROAD LAGOS
LAGOS, NIGERIA
TEL:+234-xxxxxx-5048

DEAR BENEFICIARY :JEFF

FROM THE U.S AMBASSADOR TO NIGERIA

THANKS FOR YOUR REPLY TO MY MAIL,
YOU CAN NOT TELL ME WHAT TO DO ,I HAVE SENT YOU MY ID THAT IS THE ONLY THING I CAN DO FOR YOU.

GO AND SEND THE MONEY IF YOU WANT ME TO MAKE MY TRIP BY FRIDAY.YOU HAVE TO SEND ME YOUR AIRPORT SO THAT MY FLIGHT WILL LAND THERE.

YOU SHOULD SEND THE FEE DIRECTLY TO THE CARGO REGISTRATION OFFICER WITH THE INFO BELOW-

NAME ————- SAM MBA
ADDRESS ——– LAGOS NIGERIA
TEXT QUESTION —– TO WHO
TEXT ANSWER ——- ME
AMOUNT————-US$155

GET BACK TO ME WITH THE PAYMENT INFORMATION.

TREAT AS URGENT,
MR.TERENCE P. McCULLEY
U.S AMBASSADOR TO NIGERIA

———————————

From: Jeff
Sent: Wednesday, April 04, 2012 7:24 PM
To: MR.TERENCE P McCULLEY
Subject: Re: FROM THE U.S AMBASSADOR

My Dearest Ambassador,

I am not telling you what to do. I’m simply stating that I would just like a little more proof you are who you say you are. I have the paperwork completed for the Western Union transfer (please see attached) and I am standing at the Western Union location right now. I just want to make sure I’m sending it to the right person. You can understand that I need to be very cautious. So please, if you don’t mind, I request that you attach the requested photo and then I will submit the paperwork.

Also, on the paperwork I filled out, it said that the receiving party will have to show proper identification. As another security measure, it has me ask a question that you would have to know the answer to. The question is, “What is your favorite animal?” Please tell me what your favorite animal is. Mine is the honey badger because the honey badger just don’t give a shit. He eats snakes, digs holes, eats the honey out of a beehive and doesn’t care that he gets stung by bees. He really is the coolest animal around. No one messes with a honey badger. I bet your favorite animal is the cat. Do you want to know a few interesting cat facts?

1. A cat’s urine glows under a black light – outta sight!
2. Recent studies have shown that a cat can see the colors blue and green – talk about going green!
3. Cats purr at the same frequency as an idling diesel engine, about 26 cycles per second – vrooom!
4. Cats lose almost as much fluid in the saliva while grooming themselves as they do through urination – Who’s thirsty?
5. Normal body temperature for a cat is 102 degrees Fahrenheit – now that’s hot!

So please send me the picture (or another picture if you have a better one) and I’ll submit this paperwork.

Jeff

———————————

From: MR.TERENCE P McCULLEY
Sent: Thursday, April 05, 2012 3:53 AM
To: Jeff
Subject: Re: FROM THE U.S AMBASSADOR

U.S AMBASSADOR OFFICE
11 GARIK ROAD LAGOS
LAGOS, NIGERIA
TEL:+234-xxxxxx-5048

DEAR BENEFICIARY :JEFF

FROM THE U.S AMBASSADOR TO NIGERIA

THE CARGO REGISTRATION OFFICER WENT TO THE WESTERN UNION OFFICE TO PICK UP THE MONEY AND THEY TOLD HIM THAT THERE IS NO MONEY THERE.

YOU HAVE TO USE THE TEXT QUESTION AND ANSWER WHICH WAS GIVEN TO YOU AND SEND THE MONEY.

YOU SHOULD SEND THE FEE DIRECTLY TO THE CARGO REGISTRATION OFFICER WITH THE INFO BELOW-

NAME ————- SAM MBA
ADDRESS ——– LAGOS NIGERIA
TEXT QUESTION —– TO WHO
TEXT ANSWER ——- ME
AMOUNT————-US$155

TREAT AS URGENT,
MR.TERENCE P. McCULLEY
U.S AMBASSADOR TO NIGERIA

———————————

From: Jeff
Sent: Thursday, April 05, 2012 6:43 AM
To: MR.TERENCE P McCULLEY
Subject: Re: FROM THE U.S AMBASSADOR

Dear Mr. Ambassador,

I fear you’re not even reading the emails that I have been sending you. I haven’t submitted the paperwork yet. I was at the Western Union office but I was waiting for you to answer what your favorite animal is. I already filled out the form and I don’t want to have to do it again so if you can just tell me what your favorite animal is, or send me a picture of your favorite animal and I’ll guess, I’d appreciate it.

Yours truly,
Jeff

———————————

From: MR.TERENCE P McCULLEY
Sent: Thursday, April 05, 2012 11:50 AM
To: Jeff
Subject: Re: FROM THE U.S AMBASSADOR

U.S AMBASSADOR OFFICE
11 GARIK ROAD LAGOS
LAGOS, NIGERIA
TEL:+234-xxxxxx-5048

DEAR BENEFICIARY :JEFF

FROM THE U.S AMBASSADOR TO NIGERIA

THE ANSWER IS DOG

TREAT AS URGENT,
MR.TERENCE P. McCULLEY
U.S AMBASSADOR TO NIGERIA

———————————

From: Jeff
Sent: Thursday, April 05, 2012 5:28 PM
To: MR.TERENCE P McCULLEY
Subject: Re: FROM THE U.S AMBASSADOR

Dear Mr. Ambassador,

Thank you for your quick response. I see that your favorite animal is the dog. Are you sure that it’s your favorite? I have never seen a dog before so I went online and researched it some more. Look at the pictures of the dogs attached to this email. How could you like those things? And when you look at the cat picture, you can clearly see that the cat is a superior being to the dog.
Here are some dog facts and some cat facts that I feel will help you change your mind.

Dog facts:
1. It is a myth that dogs are color blind. They can actually see in color, just not as vividly as humans. It is akin to our vision at dusk. See? Just like that picture, they are way too close to being human. Scary!
2. Dogs’ sense of hearing is more than ten times more acute than a human’s. They are better than humans, what??
3. A dog’s smell is more than 100,000 times stronger than that of a human’s. At this rate they will be taking over the world!
4. A greyhound can run as fast as 45 miles an hour. You’ll never be able to escape when the dogs decide to attack!

Cat Facts:
1. Many cats love having their forehead gently stroked. See, how nice does the cat sound?
2. Cats must have fat in their diet because they can’t produce it on their own. We fat American’s should learn from cats.
3. A steady diet of dog food may cause blindness in your cat. Just more proof dogs are evil.
4. Cats lived with soldiers in trenches, where they killed mice during World War I. They even fight wars for us!

If that doesn’t change your mind, I don’t know what will. FYI: chocolate contains a substance known as theobromine (similar to caffeine) which can kill dogs or at the very least make them violently ill. So if you decide that your favorite animal is no longer a dog, let’s try to get rid of all of them before the canine apocalypse! Chocolate for everyone!

Jeff

———————————

From: Jeff
Sent: Monday, April 09, 2012 9:40 AM
To: MR.TERENCE P McCULLEY
Subject: Re: FROM THE U.S AMBASSADOR

I still have not heard back from you. Please let me know if your answer is still “Dog”

Jeff

———————————

From: MR.TERENCE P McCULLEY
Sent: Monday, April 09, 2012 5:27 PM
To: Jeff
Subject: Re: FROM THE U.S AMBASSADOR

MY ANSWER IS OTU NNE GI

(Note: this roughly translates to, “Your mother’s vagina”)

———————————

From: Jeff
Sent: Monday, April 09, 2012 6:07 PM
To: MR.TERENCE P McCULLEY
Subject: Re: FROM THE U.S AMBASSADOR

You’re not even willing to swear at me in English? I think you should learn to respect your clients.

And furthermore, I’d like you to know that “Your mother’s vagina,” is not a valid answer for your favorite animal. If I had asked you, “Where is your favorite place to spend a night?” Then I would accept that as an answer.

Please try again,
Jeff

———————————

From: MR.TERENCE P McCULLEY
Sent: Monday, April 09, 2012 6:27 PM
To: Jeff
Subject: YOUR VERY STUPID

YOUR VERY STUPID

———————————

From: Jeff
Sent: Monday, April 09, 2012 7:01 PM
To: MR.TERENCE P McCULLEY
Subject: Re: YOUR VERY STUPID

First, it’s you’re, not your. Second, I don’t think that was very nice.

Do you still want my money?

Jeff


From: MR. SANUSI LAMIDO
Sent: Wednesday, March 28, 2012 3:28 PM
Subject: ATTENTION PLEASE. DID YOU SEND ANYONE TO COME AND CLAIM YOUR FUND?

FROM THE DESK OF:
MR. SANUSI LAMIDO
DIRECTOR, INTERNATIONAL REMITTANCE
FOREIGN OPERATIONS.
Swift Code: BPH KPL PK,
A/C#: 329606=101244=169=678
FOREIGN REMITTANCE DEPARTMENT

ATTENTION:DEAR BENEFICIARY: ?

YOUR OVER DUE INHERITANCE FUND SUM OF US$8.5MILLION UNITED STATES DOLLARS THIS IS TO NOTIFY YOU THAT YOUR OVER DUE INHERITANCE FUND HAS BEEN GAZZETED AND AWAITING RELEASE, VIA ATM VISA CARD TO YOU BY THE SENATE COMMITTEE FOR FOREIGN OVER DUE FUND PAYMENT. MEANWHILE,A WOMAN CAME TO MY OFFICE FEW DAYS AGO WITH A LETTER, CLAIMINGTO BE YOUR TRUE REPRESENTATIVE.

HERE ARE HER INFORMATIONS:

NAME: JANET WHITE
BANK NAME: CITY BANK
BANK ADDRESS:ARIZONA,
USA. ACCOUNT Number: 6503809428

PLEASE,DO RECONFIRM TO THIS OFFICE ,AS A MATTER OF URGENCY IF THIS WOMAN IS FROM YOU SO THAT THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT WILL NOT BE HELD RESPONSIBLE FOR PAYING INTO THE WRONG ACCOUNT NAME. THE RESERVE BANK GOVERNOR,EXECUTIVE, BOARD OF DIRECTORS AND THE SENATE COMMITTEE FOR FOREIGN OVERDUE INHERITTANCE FUND HAVE APPROVED AND ACCREDITED THIS REPUTABLE BANK WITH THE OFFICE OF THE DIRECTOR, INTERNATIONAL REMITTANCE / FOREIGN OPERATIONS,TO HANDLE AND RELEASE ALL FOREIGN INHERITTANCE FUNDS THIS FIRST PAYMENT BATCH OF THE YEAR.

HOWEVER,WE SHALL PROCEED TO ISSUE ALL PAYMENTS DETAILS TO THE SAID MRS.WHITE, IF WE DO NOT HEAR FROM YOU WITHIN THE NEXT SEVEN WORKING DAYS FROM TODAY.

BEST REGARDS,

MR. SANUSI LAMIDO
DIRECTOR, ALL BANK GOVERNOR
CC: BOARD OF DIRECTORS

———————————-

From: Jeff
Sent: Wednesday, March 28, 2012 7:41 PM
To: mr.sanusi098@yahoo.no
Subject: Re: ATTENTION PLEASE. DID YOU SEND ANYONE TO COME AND CLAIM YOUR FUND?

Hello Mr. Lamido,

I’m very surprised how profession your company is. I never would have guessed I’d be getting a personal email from the Governor of all banks.  I will be honest, I do know a Janet White – can you tell me more about this woman (possibly send me a picture of her)? I swear to God if she is trying to steal my money like she stole my wife, I will make her very sorry!

Awaiting your swift response,
Jeff

———————————-

From: Mr. sanusi lamido
Sent: Wednesday, March 28, 2012 8:32 PM
To: Jeff
Subject: ATTENTION: DEAR BENEFICIARY: JEFF


FROM THE DESK OF:
MR. SANUSI LAMIDO AMINU SANUSI
DIRECTOR, INTERNATIONAL REMITTANCE
FOREIGN OPERATIONS.
Swift Code: BPH KPL PK,

A/C#: 329606=101244=169=678
Our Ref: CBN/OHG/OXD1/2021
Your Ref :………………………….

TELEX: CENBANK.
PAYMENT FILE: CBN/BEN/12
CELL PHONE:+234-xxxxx 30 311

FINAL NOTICE OF YOUR PAYMENT

ATTENTION: DEAR BENEFICIARY: JEFF

I have received your email thank God I did not listen to JANET WHITE who came to my office and stated that you sent her to come and claim your fund on your behalf that you had an accident that made you indisposed to get the fund, even they showed me the death certificate that your doctor issued her. You have to take a look at the picture I snapped her when she came to my office, it’s attached below

So if you are ready to receive your fund  within two working days I want you to send me this information below and also want you to know that your fund have been approved through ATM VISA CARD for the security purpose and your ATM VISA CARD will be delivered to your address where you want us to deliver your ATM to you, so get back to me as soon as possible. Meanwhile as for JANET WHITE  who came to Nigeria to claim your fund on your behalf. i will make sure i hand her over to (F B I POLICE) so that she will go to jail for claiming what she is not.

Meanwhile I will like you to reconfirm your information where you want your  ATM VISA CARD to be delivered to you,so that there will be no mistake delivering your ATM VISA CARD to your home address. Below is the information needed from you.

FULL NAME:………………………………
AGE, SEX AND MARITAL STATUS……………….
CURRENT CONTACT ADDRESS:………………….
STATE:………………………………….
ZIP CODE:……………………………….
COUNTRY:………………………………..
DIRECT PHONE  AND FAX NUMBER:……………..
IDENTIFICATION…………………………..

The above information shall aid us with the dispatching of your card to you, and you are to note that your ATM Card is now ready for delivery to you.

The attached is my  working ID scan copy for you to whom you are dealing with.

Waiting for your urgent reply.
We bank in your response
Yours in service,

Regards,


BEST REGARDS,
MR. SANUSI LAMIDO AMINU SANUSI
EXECUTIVE GOVERNOR,CENTRAL BANK OF NIGERIA (CBN)

———————————-

From: Jeff
Sent: Thursday, March 29, 2012 4:00 PM
To: Mr. sanusi lamido
Subject: Re: ATTENTION: DEAR BENEFICIARY: JEFF

Mr. Iamido,

I seriously can not believe that woman. First she stole my wife and now she wants my money. We went on a few vacations together and I really thought she was a good friend. I’m very happy that you recognized that she was a fraud. I’m going to report her to the (F B I Police) for this absurdity. It’s so like her to say that she has a note from a dead man and she was sent to get the money for him. And furthermore, how did you convince her to let you take a picture in your office (I assume it’s your office from the paperwork hanging on the wall that has “Central Bank of Nigeria” on it). . Thank you so much for catching on to this scam.

Is it possible to have the ATM VISA CARD sent to my son’s house? He just won some money in the lottery and I am going to visit him to help him figure out what to do with it.

Thanks for your help,
Jeff

Our Vacation Photos:

At the pyramids in Egypt:

At the underwater museum in Mexico:

———————————-

From: Jeff
Sent: Monday, April 02, 2012 7:20 PM
To: Mr. sanusi lamido
Subject: Re: ATTENTION: DEAR BENEFICIARY: JEFF

Hello,

Please respond to my previous message.

Jeff

———————————-

From: Mr. sanusi lamido
Sent: Tuesday, April 03, 2012 10:42 AM
To: Jeff
Subject: Re: ATTENTION: DEAR BENEFICIARY: JEFF

Listen to me you dear beneficiary if want to receive your ATM Card valued 8:5million kindy send us your address were you want us to  deliver  ATM Card to you immediately.

———-
Sent via Nokia Email

———————————-

From: Jeff
Sent: Tuesday, April 03, 2012 10:54 AM
To: Mr. sanusi lamido
Subject: Re: ATTENTION: DEAR BENEFICIARY: JEFF

Before I send anything, I was wondering if you could tell me what became of Janet White. I fear that she is still out there trying to take money from other people. Has she been reported to the FBI? I heard right after she came to see you she had some taco salad in a bag and covered it with Nerds. Anyone who can eat such trash like that deserves what they have coming to her.

I see you have a Nokia: which one do you have? I didn’t know you were able to send emails from a Nokia. Can I give you a call to discuss this further? Does the address have to be mine? I am going to be travelling and I could really use the money during my trip to lake Titicaca.

Jeff

———————————-

From: Mr. sanusi lamido
Sent: Tuesday, April 03, 2012 11:58 AM
To: Jeff
Subject: Re: ATTENTION: DEAR BENEFICIARY: JEFF

dear beneficiary they take her to jail and she no more steal money from innocent people   yes nokia is great phone for email    you send us address to deliver ATM card unless you dont want

———————————-

From: Jeff
Sent: Tuesday, April 03, 2012 5:24 PM
To: Mr. sanusi lamido
Subject: Re: ATTENTION: DEAR BENEFICIARY: JEFF

I’m so happy that Janet White was sent to jail. I bet she’ll stay there for the rest of her life for stealing so much real money from other unsuspecting victims. Do you think it will be a high security prison or is she going to a Martha Stewart style prison? I bet she won’t be gellin’ anymore. If I end up getting into trouble that will put me in jail, I really hope I go like my grandfather did: peacefully in his sleep, not screaming like the passengers in his car.

I see that you need my address in order to send me the ATM card that is worth $8.5USD.  I will give you my address. It is 11 (did you ever wonder why eleven isn’t pronounced onety-one? All of the other numbers that end in a 1 are that way: so why not eleven? I think that’s a huge flaw in the English language). This fire engine just drove by my building and my goodness it was loud. There must be an emergency because it was going very fast followed by an ambulance. Did you ever wonder why a fire engine is red? I read that the reason is because a fire engine has a ladder. A ladder has steps. Steps come from a foot. A foot is measured by a ruler. A ruler can be a King or a Queen. Elizabeth is the Queen of England. Elizabeth was also the name of a ship. Ships float on water. Water has fish in it. Fish have fins. Fins are people of Finland. The national flag of Finland is red. So fire engines are red. It makes sense, doesn’t it?

So now that you have my address, please send me the ATM card!

Jeff

———————————-

From: Mr. sanusi lamido
Sent: Tuesday, April 03, 2012 6:17 PM
To: Jeff
Subject: Re: ATTENTION: DEAR BENEFICIARY: JEFF

you are not getting the ATM card   i give it to someone else

———————————-

From: Jeff
Sent: Tuesday, April 03, 2012 6:41 PM
To: Mr. sanusi lamido
Subject: Re: ATTENTION: DEAR BENEFICIARY: JEFF

BUT IT’S MINE!!!

———————————-

From: Mr. sanusi lamido
Sent: Tuesday, April 03, 2012 11:29 PM
To: Jeff
Subject: Re: ATTENTION: DEAR BENEFICIARY: JEFF

no its not
———-
Sent via Nokia Email

———————————-

From: Jeff
Sent: Wednesday, April 04, 2012 7:11 AM
To: Mr. sanusi lamido
Subject: Re: ATTENTION: DEAR BENEFICIARY: JEFF

YES IT IS! GIVE IT TO ME! OR AT LEAST TELL ME WHICH NOKIA MODEL SUPPORTS EMAIL (this info would be worth $8.5M to me!!)

Craigslist: Flagged

Posted: April 3, 2012 in Housing

From: Harris xxxxxx
Sent: Friday, March 23, 2012 9:57 AM
To: Jeff
Subject: $1199 / 100000ft² – BOOM BOOM BOOM I WANT YOU IN MY ROOM – BE MY HOUSEMATE! (VA)

** CRAIGSLIST ADVISORY — AVOID SCAMS BY DEALING LOCALLY
** Avoid: wiring money, cross-border deals, work-at-home
** Beware: cashier checks, money orders, escrow, shipping
** More Info: http://www.craigslist.org/about/scams

Hope this finds you well!

My name’s Harris and I’m an education policy wonk and recent graduate of xxxxxx in North Carolina. After working in disability education policy for awhile, I’ve now settled in at the University of xxxxxx in higher ed policy for the University’s chief governing body. I’ve been in the area since July in a temporary, month-to-month house, so I’m now finally ready to find a more permanent home with some great people! Having lived in the Crystal City area for months now, I love xxxxxx and want to continue living on that side of the District.

When I saw your ad, I was instantly intrigued, as it seems like a great location, a great house, and a cool potential roommate. I’m a pretty easy-going guy that just likes to have fun every now and then. I’m a social butterfly of sorts, but I’m definitely past the all-night party days. Having a place to call home with roommates with whom I get along would be nice, so that’s what attracted me to your ad.

I’d really love to come by and see the place, as I’m looking to move towards the end of April/beginning of May. I should be available most of this weekend, next weekend, or most weeknights, so let me know what works for you and hopefully we can something work very soon!

Thanks for your time and I look forward to hearing from you!

- Harris

—————————-

From: Jeff
Sent: Friday, March 23, 2012 10:19 AM
To: Harris xxxxxx
Subject: Re: $1199 / 100000ft² – BOOM BOOM BOOM I WANT YOU IN MY ROOM – BE MY HOUSEMATE! (VA)

Harris – the room has been taken. I continue to put the ads up because I’m trying to get scammers to email me about it. I’ve started a blog about messing with scammers.

Sorry for the confusion and please ignore future posts by me.

Jeff

http://yespleasescammers.wordpress.com if you are interested in reading about them.

—————————-

From: craigslist – automated message, do not reply
Sent: Friday, March 23, 2012 10:42 AM
To: Jeff
Subject: flagged & removed: 2905002791 (rooms & shares) BOOM BOOM BOOM I WANT YOU IN MY ROOM – BE MY HOUSEMATE!

This posting has been flagged for removal.

Please be sure to comply with posted guidelines and the CL TOU:

http://www.craigslist.org/about/terms.of.use

Information on flagging and community moderation is available:

http://www.craigslist.org/about/help/flags_and_community_moderation

Advice from CL users about flagging can be found in flag help forum: http://forums.craigslist.org/?forumID=3.

Sorry for the inconvenience, and thanks for your understanding.

A Bad Boss Story

Posted: March 30, 2012 in Applications

*NOTE* I have spoken to the author of the ad and this is, in fact, real. It’s not a scam but I decided to post it anyway. Enjoy.

Do You Have A Bad Boss Story (DMV)


Date: 2012-03-29, 12:12PM EDT
Reply to: c7wqv-2928904413@gigs.craigslist.org [Errors when replying to ads?]


If you have a Bad Boss story, we want to hear it! And you could win a $5 Starbucks gift card for your trouble: http://qr8d.com/tell-me-your-bad-boss-story-and-win-a-5-starbucks-gift-card/We are giving away a $5 Starbucks gift card for the best “Bad Boss” story submitted by our readers. Contest is based on 100 qualified entries, so this could be your chance to finally land in the top 1%!What we are looking for: Tales of workplace cruelty, incompetence, insanity, sadism, favoritism, nepotism, bad decision making, no decision making, theft, fraud, stupidity, laziness, sexual misconduct, poor grooming skills, no grooming skills, nose picking, farting, bad body odor, internet porn addictions, gambling problems, double-dipping, misuse of company assets, mistresses, boy toys, flagrant bad taste, junkets, absenteeism, expense padding, blame-shifting, inconsistency, phoning it in, fracking it up and just generally anything that you’ve witnessed that qualifies for The Bad Boss of The Year Award, Ad Infinitum Edition.Due to the endless well of material for this category, multiple submissions are welcome.Contest Rules: Your entry must be at least 250 words and it must be an original telling, written by you. By submitting your entry you are agreeing to allow this work to be reproduced without limitation or liability.

http://qr8d.com/tell-me-your-bad-boss-story-and-win-a-5-starbucks-gift-card/

  • Location: DMV
  • it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
  • Compensation: no pay

PostingID: 2928904413

————————————————

From: Jeff
Sent: Friday, March 30, 2012 10:42 AM
To: c7wqv-2928904413@gigs.craigslist.org
Subject: Do You Have A Bad Boss Story (DMV)

        Boy do I have a tale of a bad boss for you. The year was 2007 and the location was in Climax, Minnesota. I was working as a sandwich artist at the local sub shop. This was my obviously my part time job as being a goose wrangler didn’t pay as well as I had hoped (who would have guessed that a bachelor’s degree from the Institute for the Study of Human-Animal Relationships (ISHAR) would only net me $95 a day). And believe you me, I was one of the top wranglers on the ranch – I once caught 6 geese with a single rope. When I had one, I would tie a knot around its head and use the same rope to catch the second one. Having the geese attached to the rope helped because when they would fly in an attempt to escape, they would actually take the rope straight to another goose and do most of the work for me. Six was the maximum number of geese I had attached to a single rope because at that point, with their powers combined, even I was almost able to fly (you thought I was going to say I was Captain Planet, didn’t you?). Despite my hard work and dedication to the ranch, I wasn’t able to move out of my son’s house on those wages, hence becoming a sandwich artist.
        So anyway, the one day I was at work and this very stalky customer walked through the front door. He was one of the largest men I’ve seen in person. Standing at what I estimate to be 6’10”, he easily weighed in at 345 pounds. He looked like the type of guy that puts plastic bags in his pockets so he could stuff his pockets with food from the buffet – we all know one of those people. By the looks of his attire, I’d say his name was probably Peter Peterson or Hugh Hughes or Michael Michelson (you know, one of those children whose mothers hated them because they were 12 pounds on the way out and so to punish the child for the rest of his life, she gave him two of the same names). For the sake of this story, I’m going to call him Dikembe Mutombo Mpolondo Mukamba Jean-Jacques Wamutombo in order to keep it simple and consistent.
        So Dikembe Mutombo Mpolondo Mukamba Jean-Jacques Wamutombo took his rightful place at the end of the line and waited his turn to hire an artist to design the perfect sandwich for him. Meanwhile, my boss, Gilchrist, was on the phone with the addiction hotline telling the woman on the other end of the line that he was hooked on phonics. This was the third time that day that he called them with the same story: he was once illiterate but then he got hooked on phonics and now his life is so much better. He insisted that addictions make everyone a better person because it brings out the reality of their emotions. Honestly I had no clue what he was talking about and I’m sure the hotline staff was tired of hearing his story at this point. Let’s just say that Gilchrist likely sat on a few horseless carriages in his lifetime.
        Dikembe Mutombo Mpolondo Mukamba Jean-Jacques Wamutombo was finally up to the counter. He ordered two sandwiches, large and when he began his order, he started with, “get ready,” to prepare me for what was coming next. The first sandwich started out normal. “I’ll have an Italian toasted. Lettuce, tomato, onion, red pepper, mushroom, olives, jalapenos, chives, anchovies, grey poupon, bacon, and spangelferkel chips on top.” While this was going to be a very large sandwich, I at no point felt that Dikembe Mutombo Mpolondo Mukamba Jean-Jacques Wamutombo wouldn’t be able to cram that down in under 3 bites. If I had to guess, I’d say he’d be able to fit upwards of 35 un-squished grapes in his mouth and still be able to chew when he was done counting (assuming he could count that high).
        Then came his second sandwich, “I want a large turducken, plain.” Unbeknown to me, a turducken is a chicken, stuffed in a duck, stuffed in a turkey. Apparently Dikembe Mutombo Mpolondo Mukamba Jean-Jacques Wamutombo didn’t realize that we’re not a Boston Market and we don’t have canned whole chicken, turkey and duck. Upon hearing the request, Gilchrist immediately hung up the phone and ran to my side. “Excuse me, SIR. We do not carry that type of food in our establishment and I’m deeply disturbed that you would come in here asking for that kind of thing. Please leave immediately!” Dikembe Mutombo Mpolondo Mukamba Jean-Jacques Wamutombo’s face turned bright red; the red that you would see on the panic button on your remote starter for your car.
        Clearly infuriated by what Gilchrist had said, he ran to the refrigerator and pulled out a Capri Sun. He took the straw off and attempted to put it into the package. I have never seen a man that size struggle so hard to get the straw in. When he finally did get it in, he had been squeezing the package so tight, it ended up squirting him in the face. I gave it everything in me not to laugh, but it just slipped out. Dikembe Mutombo Mpolondo Mukamba Jean-Jacques Wamutombo exploded. He ran over to the door that leads to the kitchen and literally smashed it down with one hit. I, in the meantime, jumped over the counter and went next to the front door in my ever ready plan to escape unharmed. Gilchrist hid under the oven as to avoid having his face smashed in by Dikembe Mutombo Mpolondo Mukamba Jean-Jacques Wamutombo.
        As soon as he was behind the counter, Dikembe Mutombo Mpolondo Mukamba Jean-Jacques Wamutombo grabbed some chicken and rolled it into a little ball. He then took, what he though was duck (it was tofu) and wrapped it around the chicken making it into a ball with his basketball player size hands. Next, he took what was easily 3/4 of a pound of turkey and placed it very neatly in a bun. Once he had it laid out how he wanted it, he took the bun with the turkey and wrapped it around the chickfu (chicken/tofu). Without a hitch, Dikembe Mutombo Mpolondo Mukamba Jean-Jacques Wamutombo took a bite out of the sandwich that was nearly the size of a New York City rat. He grabbed his other sandwich and his Capri Sun and headed for the front door. Gilchrist had accidentally burnt all of his hair off because the oven was so hot and his hair caught fire. He jumps up from under the oven, head smoking, and yells, “You forgot to pay for that, SIR!” Dikembe Mutombo Mpolondo Mukamba Jean-Jacques Wamutombo just continued out the door and was never to be seen again.
        That was easily the craziest day at the studio I have ever experienced. We never saw another customer that even came close to Dikembe Mutombo Mpolondo Mukamba Jean-Jacques Wamutombo in size. I’ll never forget that experience.
        Oh, and Gilchrist touches boys inappropriately, uses a fake French accent when talking to his cats and takes his coffee with him when he goes to the bathroom.
I hope this wins! Lord knows I could use $5 off of my $6 coffee.
Jeff